Brain Ache

I hate passive aggressive facebook statuses. They fill my timeline with as much regularity as the posters of the "its have a guilt trip about someone elses disabilities week, post and share if you aren't a complete piece of shitbag who doesn't give a crap about anyone but yourself" and the "I know you pay no attention to my posts so leave a one word answer to show that we have a real life connection and we mean something to each other" posts.

I don't post them. I dont share them. I think they are dumb, and if I am honest,  I worry about the people who do post them.

But today has been so heinously shitty that I can kind of understand why people post passive aggressive ones that invite attention and questions to "drag" what's wrong out of the original poster.

Im not going into details (ha, passive aggressive postahoy) - but suffice to say a number of my plans for the next twelve months have had to be shelved due to a massive financial disaster. Some of those plans directly affect my upcoming birthday. I'm about to be 40 and my inner being is crying like a baby and wanting all the people I know to care about me and fix my life and make it all better. My actual eyes have done their own share of crying today. But I had to get some sort of grip because I don't want to worry the kids by looking like a dribbling mess.

So I'm dumping it here. I haven't eaten today, I'm not hungry. I should be starving by now,  but I'm not. I was hoping to turn 40 with a positive frame of mind, how this part of my life might work out better than the first half, how maybe I might be able to put the past to rest. Now it's so tarnished it will have to be stuffed in the cupboard with the other epic fails of my birthdays gone by. (13 - mother was "stranded" in a foreign country and couldnt get back for it, 14/15 she buggered off on holiday for the week and I didnt go, 16, mired in dying grandparents,  dont remember 17, 18 - ended up spending all my birthday cash keeping my friends in drinks because they were all skint. 19 I was pregnant, 20 passed in a blur, and 21 was Mother's coupe de grace of birthday sabotage. Offered to throw a party for me,  threw a shitfit on my actual birthday which ended with me in bed in tears by 9pm, then decided she couldn't afford to hold the party so I had to go round telling everyone to bring their own drinks.  Fell down some stairs in the pub and chipped my ankle, but didn't realise how much pain I was in and for some godforsaken unknown reason ended up in the clutches of a college friend who had brought along his party trick of firebreathing which involved him drinking meths or something and spitting it out and then burping petrol smells all night. 
And let's not talk about the custard chilli.
I pretty much gave up on birthdays after that and they didn't get much better in the following years.

Last year was pretty ok. I was away on holiday with my mum and she made a real effort. Because of today, this year,  my 40th, is destined to be a true return to form. My mum and my brother were going to chip in together and get me one of the new ipads when they come out. But I have had to ask for cash instead, because a couple of weeks after my birthday my daughter will be 10, and then its Xmas. We have next to no spare income as it is. Their needs come first and 40th or not, I couldn't justify to myself having such an expensive item while not knowing how I am going to pull Christmas out of the bag. 
I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know how the hell we are going to manage. But I need to sleep so I needed to write this down to at least try and get it out of my head for a while.

Now I have,  so I shall try to sleep, safe in the knowledge that I have averted a passive aggressive facebook status frenzy. Coz in the bigger picture,  no-one really gives a fuck anyway.